Talk Is Cheap

A new employee called the Help Desk and complained regarding her password.

She claimed that it was not the usual caps-lock problem.

“The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars,” She said.

“Those asterisks are to protect you,” The help desk technician explained,

“So if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn’t be able to read your password.”

She again said, “But they show up even when there is no one standing behind me.”

Two blondes with hammers, Becky and Sally Ann, were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for Humanity house.

Becky, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Sally Ann, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”

Becky explained, “When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.”

Sally Ann got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! Those nails aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!”

Add your own!

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him.

How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?

Somebody’s losing a trailer.

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?

Damn!

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked.

“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

Are you a Democrat, a Republican?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife
and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock
40-caliber, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

(more…)

A psychology professor was testing first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers.

He gave the children lifesavers and asked them what they tasted like.

The children began to say:

“Red……….. cherry,”

“Yellow……… lemon,”

“Green……….lime,”

“Orange……… orange.”

Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers.

After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

Well,”he said “I’ll give you all a clue, it’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.”

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled:

Oh My God!!!! They’re assholes!”

Beats Youth and Vigor every time….

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his inventory and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”

After hearing the older gentlemen’s statement, the jeweler went into his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000″ the jeweler said.

The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing her reaction said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “I’ll be paying with a personal check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so, I’ll write it out now and you can call the bank on Monday
morning to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon.”

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man and said, “There’s no money in your account.”

“I know”, said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?”

A small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

Pope John Paul II gets to heaven. St. Peter says, “Frankly, you’re lucky to be here.”

Pope John Paul II says, “Why? What did I do wrong on earth?”

St. Peter says, “God was very angry with your stance on women becoming priests.”

Pope John Paul says, “God’s mad about THAT?”

St. Peter says, “She’s furious.”

Popcorn put in for Dual-Rate.

That is all.